In today’s episode, I want to talk about the art of releasing control for principals. Stay tuned.

Welcome to The Principal’s Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I’m Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Each week, we explore strategies to boost mental resilience, manage time effectively, and nurture overall wellness. Together, we navigate the complexities of school leadership to help you reignite your passion and prioritize your wellbeing.

Welcome back! Today, we’re diving into releasing control—a critical skill for principals. As humans, our natural instinct is to want to control situations, even if you don’t consider yourself a controlling person.

Personally, I don’t see myself as controlling, but in leadership roles—especially at home—I find myself wanting to control things more than at work. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to control things or people we can’t actually control.

This is a double-edged sword in leadership. We are responsible for so much, and ultimately, when problems happen, it falls on us. We’re often reminded not to take credit when things go well, but to accept full responsibility when they don’t.

Because of this, we want to control everything. But real leadership means empowering others—you can’t force compliance by controlling people. That’s not leadership or influence.

So releasing control is essential.

I’m inspired to talk about this because I’m reading Mel Robbins’ new book, The Let Them Theory, which I’ve been recommending to all my coaching clients and family. It applies to every area of life and has helped me give up some of the control I hold, especially at home. But it’s relevant to leadership, too.

When I was a new principal, I wanted to do everything myself. Not necessarily to control, but because I thought I was helping. Instead, I ended up controlling every situation and not empowering others to lead. I was doing the work department heads were paid and capable to do—simply because I thought I should.

A teacher eventually said to me, “I get paid to be a department head. I want to lead.” That was a game changer. People want to lead and take ownership—you just have to let go and release control.

Why do we struggle with releasing control?

• Sometimes it’s anxiety—taking charge because we’re worried about the future.

• Perfectionism—believing no one can do it as well as we can.

• Fear of failure—we want it done “right.”

• Misconceptions that controlling outcomes equals effective leadership.

I learned early on from a principal I worked with as an assistant principal that part of effective leadership is delegating—even if teachers make “wrong” decisions sometimes, they need to learn from those experiences.

We crave control because it feels like certainty. But we can’t control everything.

Here are some common thought patterns if you tend to control:

• “I’m either in control or I’m out of control.”

• “If I work hard enough, I can control situations.”

• “Others need me to take control.”

Often, people let you control because they get used to it and stop trying themselves.

Signs you might be too controlling:

• You do everything yourself and don’t delegate.

• Staff come to you with every problem without trying to solve any themselves.

• You’re frustrated trying to control things outside your power, like district or state mandates.

• You have unrealistic expectations and get frustrated when things don’t go your way.

Reflect on where you might be over-controlling in your leadership. What is the cost? Over-controlling can stifle teacher autonomy, creativity, and professional growth. It can damage relationships with staff, parents, and students. And it leads to burnout because you’re doing everything yourself.

Now, let’s apply The Let Them Theory to leadership. The core idea is to acknowledge that people will do things their way—even if it’s not your preference. You “let them,” and then you focus on your empowered response—what you can control.

Examples:

• Curriculum: If teachers don’t follow the curriculum exactly, let them teach it their way, and focus on providing support, training, and resources rather than forcing compliance.

• Parent interactions: Let parents misunderstand procedures sometimes, but then have respectful conversations to clarify expectations.

• Teacher development: Let teachers struggle with new strategies but offer mentorship and PD without taking over.

• Student behavior: Let kids make poor choices—they’re learning. Provide consistent, fair consequences with authority.

• Staff emotions: Let staff be upset when they disagree with decisions. Listen actively, explain your reasoning, and stay open to feedback.

Focus your energy on what’s in your true sphere of control.

• Inner circle: Your actions, responses, professional growth, how you treat others.

• Influence circle: School culture, communication, leadership approach—you can influence but not control these fully.

• Outer circle: District mandates, state laws, societal issues, parenting styles—these are outside your control.

It’s exhausting and ineffective to waste energy on the outer circle. Instead, let people be who they are and focus on your responses and actions.

So, Let Them, and Let Me:

• Let people do what they will.

• Let me focus on what I can control—my responses and leadership.

Remember:

• Let teachers express frustration—listen and address concerns constructively.

• Let teachers disagree—explain your reasoning and be consistent.

I highly recommend reading or listening to Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory. It’s a practical guide for all areas of life, including leadership.

As you reflect, identify where you need to release control and where your expectations are misaligned. Practice the Let Them, Let Me mindset and see the difference it makes.

If you try these ideas, I’d love to hear about it! Find me on Instagram @DrBarbFlowers.

If you enjoy the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts—it helps others find it.

Remember, you have the power to shape your life with the mindset you choose.

Have a great week, and I’ll see you next time!